Facet #1 | The Facet to Rule them All | Your Mind. Perfectionism, Motivation, Inner Critic, and Positive Thinking
Let’s get real!
Today on the show, we’re going to do something different than I had initially planned. My plan was to dive right into the technical facets because I’m such a technique geek and I know you are too! But, as I sat down to write this episode, I realized I needed to first speak about the mind.
The “mindset” facet was slated for episode 8, but it is really more important than that, and I feel that the next episodes will be better-served by talking about this right up front. As excited as I am to dive into technique, the mind is really the first thing to prepare.
Of course, like all facets, the mindset facet is optional. You are welcome to take or leave anything I lay out in this season. But, I truly believe this particular facet is one that will be the most effective way to help all other facets that excite you come to fruition.
I’m going to preface this episode by saying that if you’re here with me on this journey so far, you probably care a lot about ballet. Maybe it feels like your home, your identity, the missing piece of you.
Maybe you care about it more than you think you should or deserve to.
Maybe you feel a little silly for caring about something so quote-unquote frivolous or juvenile so much.
Maybe you have big dreams; dreams bigger than you think you can ever achieve. Your friends, family, local ballet studios, and ballet friends may have varying levels of support (or lack thereof). You might feel alone or isolated in your pursuit of something so niche yet so meaningful.
When we care a lot about something, that passion can sometimes fuel us, but it can sometimes derail us if we let it.
If we care a lot about something, it becomes very high-risk. The possibility of failure has our identity wrapped in it.
The things you don’t care that much about aren’t that stressful. The possibility of something not going well isn’t that big of a deal. But for the things you love, the things you can’t live without, the things that are a part of you, the possibility of trying and failing is sometimes too much to bear.
You might have had thoughts like: If I try and don’t succeed, can I still love ballet? Can I still keep ballet as part of my identity if I am not a good dancer? If I can’t hold my turnout or land my pirouettes, is it still worth it to pursue it? If I have flat feet, can I still keep dancing? Will I ever get any better or should I just remain a part of the audience and love ballet from the sidelines?
If any of these thoughts have ever crossed your mind, this episode is for you. Even if you have yet to even step foot in a ballet studio, but you know that ballet is your calling, maybe by the end of this episode, we’ll plant a seed that can grow into the courage to get started.
Let’s get started
When we are training our bodies, we must also train our minds. In the journey to advancing in ballet, our mind needs to adapt and grow as much as our bodies, if not more.
Here’s the thing, without a positive and powerful mindset, we won’t be able to stick around long enough in our ballet journey to see real progress. Without an open mind, we won’t be able to experiment and try the new things that are needed to change habits and learn new patterns. And without a healthy relationship to our inner critic, we’ll just frustrate and torture ourselves until ballet isn’t fun anymore.
How do I know this? I started ballet in a state of mind that made it difficult for me to hear feedback, apply corrections, and even believe that I could dance. As they say, takes one to know one, and I get it on the deepest possible level. I’m right there with you, a perfectionist at heart. If you’ve thought or felt something negative or discouraging about your body, your potential, your worthiness, or your ballet technique, I probably have too!
But, I want you to be able to use ballet as a vehicle to find freedom and joy, and not get crushed under the weight of finding the perfect 5th position.
Let’s dive into how to have fun working on the details of technique, how to enjoy ballet, and how to keep coming back for long enough to actually make meaningful progress in your dancing.
Ballet is like a road trip. Bring snacks, we’ll be here for a while!
First off, I just want to say that it takes a long time to get good at ballet. There are no shortcuts, and we are in this for a while. Just because it looks easy doesn’t mean it is. Ballet is hard for everyone. To be clear, it’s not impossible. In fact, to the contrary, it’s very possible for any person to learn. Possible, not easy. Hard, but not impossible.
If you hear the word “hard” and cringe, let’s just start off with a quick confidence booster. You already do a lot of things that are hard! And you make them look easy. It takes a long time to get good at your native language (how many years does it take before a child has a mastery of English? I couldn’t say my “r”s for years. I broke my right arm when I was 5, and my dad still loves to tease me about how I used to say I ‘bwoke my wight ohm’ but now, I can say those ‘r’s flawlessly without even a thought.)
It takes a long time to get good at walking (how many years before a child walks as confidently as an adult?).
It takes a long time to get good at raising kids, your career, communicating with your spouse or family, typing/texting, driving, tying your shoes and doing your hair.
So if you dream of a high level in ballet, whether that’s artistry, pirouettes, high legs, flexibility, pointework, gracefulness, and coordination, we’ll be here for a while. Mind you, I didn’t say we won’t get there.
But, the great news is that’s ok, because adult life is long and we’re not really in a rush, right? I mean, we always want to be better, faster, stronger and all that, but there’s no deadline by which we must be “done” with ballet in order to get a professional contract or something. We have our whole life to allow our ballet journey to unfold.
If we’re going to be here a while, we need some tools to stick around for that “while”. Let’s approach this with the same patience you would on a road trip. It’ll take a while to get there. Even if you drive a little faster than everyone else and take all the toll roads, it’s still a long time. You might get lost, you’ll probably have to stop and rest, so bring snacks, something fun to listen to, and enjoy the scenery.
We’ll be here for a while, but that doesn’t mean we won’t get there. And besides, just being “there” isn’t the point, or else you’d have just taken a plane ;)
Motivation, Perfectionism & Your Inner Critic
At first glance, it might seem like we need the motivation to stay long enough to see progress. Motivation is funny. Some things we need it for, and others we don’t. But why?
Sometimes I receive this question - “I love ballet so much but I can never seem to find the motivation to go to class. I’m so frustrated that I want to go to class but can’t seem to motivate myself to do it.”
Do you need the motivation to eat your favorite dessert? Pet your dogs? Go on a tropical vacation? Watch tv? Or whatever it is you love?
So then why do we need motivation for ballet if we love it so much? Let’s explore.
I think a lack of motivation is more to do with your inner critic. That. Little. Voice.
We all have it. You know the one 😈
It takes a different shape for each of us, but it’s there, nagging, complaining, moaning and groaning.
Mine likes to remind me that I’m incapable. Inadequate. Unable to achieve my goals. Undeserving of success. Not good enough. Should just give up now. No point in even trying.
I know this voice well. We’ve been together as long as I can remember. We live together in this body. (Somehow, with me doing all the work and that little voice just tagging along to bring me down. What the heck is that about? 🤪.... but I digress)
Any of this sounding familiar? What does your voice say?
Especially listen to what you say to yourself during and after class. How do you make yourself feel?
Do you berate yourself for not being better at ballet?
When you forget a combination or notice that your legs didn’t stay turned out, do you beat yourself up and wonder why you’re so stupid or incompetent?
Do you dwell on the mistakes you make and the inadequacies in your technique and see them as a sign that you’ll never improve?
Do you feel like even though you just spent an hour in class, it should have been 3 hours and that you’re never going to get anywhere at this rate?
Do you wonder if your feet and hips can even improve enough to make a difference?
Do you think that all the other dancers in class are better than you, so what’s the point in continuing? Or belittle yourself for how you look in the mirror?
Have you ever wanted to quit ballet because of a class where you weren’t at your best?
Do you ever wonder what’s the point in continuing because it’ll take too long to get to the end?
If the answer to any of those was yes, then it’s no wonder you don’t want to go to ballet class!! I don’t want to do things that make me feel sad/worthless/bored either!
You don’t need motivation, you need an invitation to change your relationship with that voice.
While perfectionists are often attracted to ballet for its detailed nature and perfect idealized form, many times, this same perfectionism that gives you so much of your drive, can also hinder your enjoyment, and therefore your ability to progress.
That voice KNOWS how badly you want ballet, and it THINKS it knows how to get you to your goals. So it tries to motivate you how it knows: through negativity.
If you’re anything like me, that negativity can be powerful and has been a big driver in your life. Maybe it’s even gotten you to where you are today. But, I’ve found that it’s really only helpful for deadlines, to please other people, or other external motivators.
For things you love and do just for you, it only serves to drive you away. When it’s something just for you, the mean voice just makes you sad, not productive.
Remember, when we care so much about something, making mistakes, not being perfect, and not seeing a clear path to the finish line is scary and really flares up that inner critic. Even though it might seem like it’s just a pirouette, seriously that part of the journey, the part where we feel like we’re mucking through it all, looking like a hot mess, and not doing anything right -- that part can really threaten something deep inside of us. Our identity. Our inner critic. All of our anxieties, fears, tendencies and learned coping mechanisms all come right to the surface in the form of that voice.
But, learning requires mistakes because mistakes are information. There’s no person who ever learned to walk without a few (or a bunch of) tumbles. Or learned to talk without messing up some words. Or learned ballet without falling out of a bunch of pirouettes and forgetting many of the combinations.
So next time you’re feeling de-motivated, take a big breath, and really listen inward. What is that voice saying to you? Is it standing in the way of your dreams? What if you could guide that voice on how to be more helpful for you?
Try thanking this voice for its efforts to help, ask it to take a backseat and let you continue to do the work. Say: “I know you’re trying to protect me from the pain of failure because I love ballet so much, but what if the failure was the way? Thank you for your concern, but I’m getting my ballet slippers on and going to class because I am a dancer.”
When we can figure out how to feel good in class, we remove the need for motivation so you can simply look forward to when you have class and enjoy the hard work.
Perfectionism
Are you a perfectionist? I am.
I think all of the issues I’ve outlined thus far are perpetuated because the whole ballet environment is run, led, taught, and perpetuated by perfectionists who have all gone through this cycle. Think about it.
Ballet generally attracts and rewards people who like the idea of perfection, of progress, details, minutiae, focus, and hard work. It scratches all those perfectionist itches of checking boxes, striving for perfection, controlling every part of our bodies, and reaching an ideal.
Then think about the people who got to the top of the ballet world. How did they get there in a system that rewards perfectionists? Perhaps got there by being the most intense, and then perhaps teach those that came after them with that same intensity. Perhaps they have one of those super negative inner critics, and that they let run their internal show.
Some teachers even say that the kids shouldn’t be able to use toe pads because real dancers don’t need them, or back in their day they didn’t need it. Or that rest days are bad and you’ll lose all of your turnout if you take a break. Or that you should be cross-training for 2 hours every day or else you’ll amount to nothing. Or that dancers are born and not made.
If the teacher is instilling fear in you or making you feel bad, I’d argue it’s more about their own perfectionism than about you. It’s about their fear that they won’t be able to teach you. That they’re not doing enough. That they’re inadequate and trying to prove their own worth through the success of their students. Or that your success might negate theirs. If you’re successful and you didn’t have to “earn your stripes,” do you deserve it? If they feel like they don’t deserve what they have, then they will feel you don’t deserve it either.
All the fear you have about your own technique, they may have about their teaching. They might be afraid and thing am I enough? Can I really help this person? What’s the point if they’re not already great?
The ballet world will continue to change, especially as it continues to be opened up to more people and continues to have less of a scarcity mindset. We, you, are changing it right now. It is happening before our eyes. But change is as slow as ballet progress, so for now, as you work on your mindset, you will no doubt encounter situations that will test your strength and fortitude.
Teachers may make fun of you, critique you with negativity or condescension, yell or get frustrated with you, or not help you with something that you’re struggling with. Studio owners may treat you poorly or tell you that you’re not worth teaching (yes, I have heard a story where one of my students had that happen).
To be clear, I am not defending that kind of behavior -- in my opinion, this kind of behavior is NOT an acceptable way to treat someone who is spending their free time trying to better themselves.
I offer this information as an explanation or shift in perspective to help you take the negativity you might encounter with a grain of salt or feel brave enough to know that it’s the teacher, not you or a reflection on your potential as a dancer. Find a different environment, plain and simple. Stop supporting that environment with your time, energy, and money.
I have my own moral dilemma with teaching ballet to perfectionists
I love ballet, as you know. There are few things I love more, except maybe my family, fiancée and my greyhounds.
But, ballet has a dark side.
Ballet can be beautiful and enjoyable, but it can also really bring out that negativity if you let it.
It's tough to teach ballet to people who I know may also be perfectionists, especially because for a while when I was younger, I allowed ballet to feed into the destructive part of my perfectionist tendencies and I know how easily it can slip back there - even for adults.
I worry that I am part of perpetuating the cycle for my fellow perfectionists. I teach lots of technique & minutiae in class, and although I try to make it as fun and welcoming as possible, we work on posture, port de bras, turns, turnout, feet, pointework, and I ask for a lot in class. That’s because I believe in the dancers and because I have no doubt they can learn what I am teaching.
But, I know that dark inner voice can be so easily sparked and fired up.
Some days I wonder if I should just stop teaching ballet and encourage all of the perfectionists to take hip hop or tap or something else instead so they don’t get caught up in the perfectionistic cycle. And I wonder if teaching technique is part of perpetuating the cycle, and if I should let the details slide instead of teaching all the nitty gritty stuff.
Day after day, I choose to keep coming back because I honestly believe that in the right positive environment, ballet can give perfectionists a chance to use their training as a tool to *overcome* and *understand* some of their perfectionism, and not to fuel it within them.
To see it for what it is, to develop tools to work with it, and to take those tools to the rest of their life. How to keep your mind calm, how to push for more because you are curious if there is more and not as punishment, use your breath, be ok with the messy learning process, and manage the anxiety that comes with any quest for greatness in order to stay on the path long enough to get there.
I try my best to help dancers on their journey and infuse my tips, teaching, and classes with the positive mind that I believe it takes to make it to the other side in one piece.
As I’ve said, I didn’t start out with this kind of optimism.
I used to think when my teachers asked me for more (e.g. more turnout or more lift in the core or faster movements), that they meant that I was inadequate.
I would think “but I’ve already turned out my legs, what more can I do?” Or “I’ve already pulled up, isn’t that enough?”
It used to discourage me to no end, and make me feel like I’d never be good enough. I would get so sad and frustrated. I quit ballet a few times. I struggled to go to class on a regular basis and had sporadic attendance despite the love and passion.
But now I see, it has no bearing on my self-worth. Looking for more doesn’t mean you’re not already trying. It is simple, our body is designed to save energy. It doesn’t want to use so much energy, and it hides our superpowers from us. Our body keeps its 100% strength in its back pocket for a rainy day, so our bodies are just doing their job.
Asking for more is not a comment on my worthiness or adequacy as a human.
It’s a reminder to continue to negotiate with my body, to allow my body to trust me enough to give more energy, and to work together to toe the line between what I can already do, and what I’ll be able to do next.
This is an exploration because we can, not because we need to, not because we are inadequate, but because it’s fun to discover new superpowers that you never knew you had
Ballet doesn’t have to be stressful in order to get results. You can take something seriously and still enjoy it.
Ballet is what we love, so I strive to use ballet as a way to teach these principles and help people find peace and joy in dancing while they work on that "perfect" tendu. Then maybe, just maybe, we’ll be able to apply that peace and joy to the other areas of our lives where our inner critic comes out swinging.
Commitment & Fear
Let’s change gears a little bit and talk about commitment and fear. Are you committed to ballet? Actually committed to putting in the work? Or is there anything holding you back from being ready to put in the work?
I used to be afraid and wonder, “how good can I really get at ballet?”
Sometimes dancers reach out with fear of turnout, saying “I have always had really bad turnout and grew up pigeon toed and I don’t think I can dance.”
Or “I have really bad feet and I’ll never be able to get en pointe.”
These fears will stop us from believing that it’s worth it to put in the work.
It’s hard to imagine, but if you don’t believe in the possibilities, then you won’t get there.
I’d always hear that trite saying, “whether you believe you can, or you believe you can’t, you’re right,” but I always thought it was a bunch of BS. How could just “believing” ensure that you’d get where you want to go?
Well if you’re skeptical, perhaps coming at it from the opposite side is easier to see. Believing you CAN’T definitely will stop you from getting there.
We don’t bother to work on the things that we don’t think aren’t worth it.
Take as an example, waiting in a long line at the grocery store. You’ll look at the items in your cart, and you assess: “is it worth it to keep waiting in this line?”
And you go through the trade offs:
- How badly do I need these items?
- Can I come back later?
Is it worth it? 🤔
And then when the line doesn’t seem to be moving, you assess again. How badly do I really neeeeed these items? I can just go to the store tomorrow on lunch break. And then maybe you abandon the line with the going continues to be tough. And now, you’ll never make it to the front of the line, because it wasn’t worth it to keep putting in the work.
So when it comes to your own dreams of better turns, improved turnout, graceful footwork in the center, as you wade through the learning process, it’s no different. You’re always assessing - is it worth it? Should l keep going or give up?
Let me tell you this little story. I wondered how good I could really get at ballet for the longest time. Every class was a time to wonder if I’d ever improve.
Every mistake or moment of forgotten turnout was a time to wonder if I’d ever figure it out.
Could I be as good as that dancer over there? Could I get my legs above 90 degrees or ever land a multiple pirouette? Could I go en pointe? Could I ever perform? Would I ever get to the become the ballerina of my dreams?
I had so many questions that no one could answer and that I would obsess over.
Unfortunately for eager and anxious Past Julie, the answer was that I first had to stop wondering and spend that energy on committing to doing the work instead.
I had to keep showing up, trust the process, find good teachers, seek out quality training, and then let the chips fall where they would.
Because I spent so much time stressing about it, I’d get discouraged and quit. Even though I had exercises that I could do to get better turnout, or things to practice and work on, I wasn’t sure if I would get there, so I’d give up or not feel like working on it. What’s the point if I don’t think I’ll get there?
But the truth is, no one knows how good any of us will get. It really depends on how long we keep at it. How willing we are to take a step back on our path forward. How open are we to letting the training take its course? Will we trust a teacher when we need to lower our legs to get better technique or revisit the basics? Or when we need to fall out of 1,000 pirouettes to land our first one?
We can’t know the answer ahead of time as to how good we’ll get, but we have to trust the process and believe in our prospects for long enough to actually see results.
It’s just like sleep, where the more you stress about getting to sleep quickly, the less likely you are to sleep. But if you can allow the process of sleeping to take place, you are more likely to get to sleep.
For an eager person like me, this is always a tough pill to swallow.
How to change your thoughts in class
And so, to wrap it up, let’s take the conversation back down to earth with some practical solutions for those days when you’re in the trenches with your body on one side and your inner critic on the other.
The 2nd arrow is a concept in meditation where the thoughts accompanying a traumatic event are often more damaging than the event itself. The idea of the 2nd arrow is that if someone gets hit by an arrow and lives to tell the tale, the wound from the arrow will heal. But the 2nd arrow, the fear that comes, the uncertainty, the change in worldview that they’ve been shot by an arrow, has a longer lasting impact on the person’s life & livelihood in the long run.
If you’ve ever “lost turnout” or “forgotten the steps” or “fallen out of a pirouette” and then panicked or mentally beat yourself up right afterward, the mental anguish that came after is much more devastating than the small brief loss of technique or the small mistake.
Language is important.
Try to be mindful of words you use to speak to yourself about ballet.
Don’t even get me started on the word “corrections” and doing it “right” vs “wrong” -- as if you’re bad and need to be fixed. Or as if there’s only one “right” when in reality, there are many “right’s” along the long journey. Perfection in ballet technique is a direction, but the word “right” or “correct” implies that there is a destination.
We are currently and always will be on the journey one step at a time.
Try to reframe the information from your teachers as “tips” “pointers” “feedback” or “observations”
Instead of coming out of class saying to yourself “I’m so bad at everything, I got so many corrections in class” try saying “I’m learning something new in ballet and I got so many tips in class”
If you learn a new piece of information, instead of saying “oh my gosh, I’ve been doing tendus wrong this whole time! How embarrassing!” try saying “I just learned something that will really take my tendus to the next level, how exciting.”
Each new layer we learn does not negate the previous layer. Learning a new concept doesn’t mean we were previously wrong, it just means we took another step, and we’ve outgrown where we once were, and we’re leveling up. “Right” is relative, and you can be “right” at the beginner level, which is different than “right” as an intermediate, and so forth.
So buckle up and enjoy the ride, because we’ll be here a while, and that’s the point
Once you reach your current goals, you’ll set new goals. And more new goals. And more new goals. And if you put your self-worth on those new goals or waiting until the “end” to allow yourself to be happy or have fun, you’ll never reach that end.
Success feels like nothing. It’s just another day and you’re still you.
Happiness has to come from within. It comes from enjoying every day, from looking at hard things and knowing you can overcome them. Then eventually, relishing the challenge, and the challenge will make you happy. Feeling a sense of agency, that you have choice in your life.
Each day is what matters.
Not that each day is always fun or 100% pleasant. Some days downright suck!! But what if it was about learning to enjoy the mundane. Learning to enjoy the small steps, the challenges, the backwards progress, all of it. All of it is your life. Your life is made up of a bunch of days, including the bad ones.
Wherever you go, there you are. When you make it to the top, your inner critic comes with. When you achieve your goals, your self-doubt is right there with you. Your greatest fears, your biggest regrets, the parts of you that you don’t like... they all come with you. They don’t magically disappear with some mythical goal or finish line that you cross.
You have to work to send the demons away.
So the next time you are feeling discouraged, demotivated, or not good enough, try asking yourself the following questions and just listen for what comes back.
“What if I am already good enough, even while I still strive to be better?”
“What if I could be a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time?”
“What if today could be a great day, even if I want tomorrow to be better?”
“What if even though I am a work in progress, I am worth working on?”
